I am, however, improving myself, if not my predicament. I have controlled what used to be a bloodlust for Dr. Pepper, having had 6 since October 12th, 2008. I drink iced tea with lemon like Courtney Love does drugs, though. Unsweetened, so whatever. I am, at last count, 16 pounds lighter than I have been in several years. I have a cat that, though pretty stupid, is very loving and cuddly. By pretty stupid, I mean he's dumb as hell. Really really dumb. I live with 4 of the raddest rommates I could ask for. While we have gone through several house line-up changes, we are definitely at the best yet. Fucking Elder. Fuck that dude.
I was recently in my best friend's wedding, and it makes me feel like shit to know that it was one of the few times in recent years that A) I agreed with a friend's decision to get married and B) I was happy for someone else being happy. Jesus. What an asshole. With the onslaught of updates from Facebook, MySpace and god knows what other data streams feeding my images of happiness from those who I know to be complete wastes of time, I can't help but feel that there is a pheromone I emit that causes a flight response from others.
I know that's not true, but it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel when you've been in a fucking tunnel for two years. How Columbus didn't off himself is beyond me. I was doing better a couple days ago, but I was set off again by the following bits at work.
1 - 9% of the company's staff was laid off, including my Regional Manager, the Corporate Head of Investigations, and two other corporate people from my department.
2 - A 90-day review was administered to me this month. I have been with the company since April. Seven months later and I get "At Target". OK, I have some things to work on, and most things I'm OK at. Fine.
3 - Less than two weeks later I am given a "Formal Action Plan" - a step down from a warning. It's a Shape Up or Else form. Everything on it was based not on my performance compared to previous employees, or a standard, but what is EXPECTED at a high-loss store. In the six months I have been at the store, I have stopped or helped stop nearly $50K in loss, which is 20% of the loss for the prior year. Fuck that.
4 - My boss who gave it to me said that it was prepared by the guy who was laid off, but he had to administer it. Because of the lay-offs, everyone's freaking out and trying to cover their own ass.
5 - I came back from lunch when my boss was at my store and found that he had spent the hour I was away looking up different jobs and/or schools. This did not bode well for me, and I immediately started stressing out.
6 - I was not paid for two days, causing me to be $250 short from where I thought I would be, or $250 worth of being fucked in the ass.
Jesus. I am a college-educated, experienced young man, and the best I can do is making sure purses have a fucking security sensor on them? Dammit. No wonder I feel like a failure. I try to pass the time with smiles and jokes, and try not to go crazy on the eating. This bit is tricky because cooking is great stress relief for me, but eating while depressed is what got me into this damned predicament in the first place. I have a couple times now made food I planned on putting away until I needed it, only to have my roommates devour my chilli. Granted, I usually give them a bunch, but this was the first time I was genuinely irritated that they ate it all.
I had to go and do dishes to calm myself down, as I really like my roommates and don't need to lash out them because I'm having a rough time. My only real anchor to the world of calm is my friend Laura, who is as analytical as you can get and can decipher and translate vague descriptions of raw emotions into something useful and can help guide me to a slightly more practical resolution. However, when you have someone that you can turn to for emotional support, you can easily add too much burden on them, and use them as either a crutch, or a space-saver for a romantic relationship, neither of which would be either appropriate or deserving to her.
Thus, I often feign comfort, not just around her, but at work, around friends and family. I stress and stress, trying to reach out and grab something tangible and solid. The best I can do is hold on to delicate strings of friendship, which, in combination with others slows me down, but none of which I believe are strong enough to pull myself up by.
I still bitch about spinning my wheels at work, I still don't understand why I am attracted to weirdos and eccentrics, I still fear making big changes in my life and I still fear that I am going to be miserable for a long time coming. Will I still be working an entry level job in three years with a boss who is working towards his online AA degree? Will I still be second guessing myself that maybe a reformed cokehead deserves a second chance? Will I be the last one renting a house with 4 college students while everyone else has gone on? Fuck. Will I ever be on solid ground?
I used to be a pillar of strength, now I am a gelatinous mess of a person. How the fuck did I get here? How the fuck do I get out?
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